The Other Side.

I'm not sure of what it is exactly that has made me feel the way I am right now. The mixture of many things has me feeling very content with my abilities as a Mum to Charlie and because of that and all the reasons why, I'm sat here writing this honest post.

I have never kept my struggle with post natal depression or ongoing battle with anxiety a secret. It's something that is a part of me and I find that writing about it has helped me overcome the worst of it. But there are things that I have kept to myself as I was unsure of how to get them out.

From the minute I was told I was going to be induced the next day I had the immediate fear of how everything was going to change and I was unsure of whether or not I was ready.Then when he arrived and the feelings I had towards him weren't quite what I expected them to be I worried. From the first night alone with Charlie I was hit with this immense love for him, the need to care for him and to provide only the best. But it wasn't that huge rush that I was told about and its only now that I know every experience is different. I was still very medicated and had been through a tough time getting him in to my arms and I think that took a huge part in why I felt a little lacking.
For the first few months I worried that I wasn't doing my best as a Mum to him, I felt that at times I couldn't cope and needed time to myself. Suffering with post natal depression and going through what I did, I didn't give myself the opportunity to digest the huge life change that having a baby brings. Especially your first.

As I got better with my post natal depression I felt more happier with my life, as both wife and mother. But it wasn't for a long time that my anxiety got any better. I felt and still feel today that my anxiety is stopping opportunities for Charlie. I struggle to go to the stay and play baby groups and because of that feel like Charlie is missing out on interaction with other children. Although in recent months I have enrolled him in to swimming lessons, when I struggle with the thought of taking him I push through it and we both have an amazing time. He loves his lesson and I don't feel the pressure of my anxiety.

When I was working more often and not getting back until his bedtime I was hit with guilt. It was nothing out of the ordinary that I am sure every parent experiences. But as his Mum I felt that it was my job to have him the majority of days in the week and to get home and do his bedtime. I looked forward to cutting my hours down, starting my maternity leave and having proper time with him again where we could spend quality time together.
Now I am off with him I am so much happier.

I have been struggling physically with day to day things and haven't been able to do his bath/bottle/bedtime in months because of my expanding belly and pelvic girdle pain. I often struggle when hes playing on the floor and running around and I can't take him to the park on my own. Because of these physical aspects it makes my emotional struggles worsen. I feel at times incapable as a Mum who can't do things with her son that he deserves to be doing. BUT this will pass. As soon as I recover from my c-section I will be back to mucking around on the floor and chasing him around the park.

No matter how bad I feel at times though, I know I'm a good Mum. I'm fighting my own battles and I'm sure I will fight them for as long as I am a parent. There is NO 'perfect' parent, and knowing that other people have struggled with similar issues to myself eases my worries. I am at a really good place at the moment, and have written a post on how Charlie is my little best friend, but from that I felt like it was only fair to write down my struggles as well. To show the other side of the smiley photos and happy lives that we show to the outside world. I will make mistakes because I'm not perfect but as long as I know that I do my best, that hes happy and loved. That's all that counts.