I've always tried to be quite open and honest on my blog about how I feel. I've talked about my post natal depression and have touched on my anxiety in the past, but currently I'm probably the worst I have ever been and because of that I wanted to get it all down on paper and talk about it. The one thing that always seems to work in making me feel better is hearing someone else talk about their experience of it. Anxiety is such an isolating head space and when you talk to others that suffer with it you can feel a lot less lonely and abnormal.

From some of my earliest memories I've always had anxiety and depression. I can remember having panic attacks when I was younger and not really understanding them or why I was feeling the way I was. It wasn't until I got older, and actually until I started suffering with my post natal depression that I started to understand it all a bit better.

I have a few techniques that I do to try and reduce it as much as possible. I no longer drink alcohol or caffeine, I try to practise mindfulness as much as possible and I use breathing techniques when I start to feel panicked.

What I found most interesting about anxiety is how it comes across. I always thought that it was just nervousness and panic attacks but it shows in so many ways and learning that explained so much. It can come across in anger and irritability, the need to be in control and fatigue and exhaustion. I find that when I'm feeling anxious about a certain event coming up I get really irritated really easily and quite irrationally as well. And when that happens its as if I'm having an outer body experience because its not the 'real' me being so irrational.

Its so hard to suffer with anxiety not just for me personally but for everyone around me, it affects my husband and my babies and the day to day running of our lives. And because of that it can kind of make me feel worse. Knowing that I'm impacting them and creating a negative energy even without meaning too can be really hard.

Its hard to speak to friends and family about it sometimes, especially those who don't suffer and haven't suffered or experienced it because its still such a huge taboo. I find that talking out it as though its so normal, which it is by the way, to those people I can come across a bit weird. And I'm sure I'm overthinking it and I'm sure that for people who cant get their head around it, it is a bit hard to understand. But its so common and for their to still be such a taboo around it all in this day and age is so sad.

Because of how bad I've felt lately I'm debating going on sertraline, I was prescribed 50mg but the side effects were crazy. In the first 24 hours I suffered insomnia, elevated anxiety, teeth grinding, nausea, dizziness, headaches. I felt like I was high it was awful. I tried taking half a tablet the next day but felt just as bad and as a result have kind of been put off them. But talking to others who have battled through the side effects they really do a good job and I'm wondering whether if I can battle through the crazy side effects whether Ill feel better and it will all be worth it.

Its really pants suffering so badly with anxiety, it can stop me from leaving the house, put me off from going to social events, even from replying to text messages from friends can be hard sometimes. Its different for everyone but by talking about my experience I hope that I can give some kind of comfort to someone else. Even if its just because they can turn around and say 'that's how I feel too' and feel not as alone.

Something I do highly recommend is the Calm book and app, it can be a much needed break from the worry and often puts me in a much better head space. There is this Cherokee proverb within it that I like to think of often. Ill leave the post with that.

All my love,
Ellie x