Going back to work.

So tomorrow, I head back to work for a training programme, and next week I head back to work for good. I can't believe that my maternity leave is coming to an end and that I have to go back to work. When maternity leave comes around you have all of these months ahead where you know that you will spend everyday with your new baby and the thought of going back to work never crosses your mind. Your baby arrives and days just fly by and before you know it your arranging your start date with your manager.

Heading back to the working world for me is so nerve racking. Not just because I will be leaving my baby but because of how much I have suffered with PND and anxiety since having Charles. The thought of going back into an environment where I have to speak to every person who walks through the door as well as work with different people scares me, and it is something I have really been worrying about for the past month.

Luckily I got to go and help out and do two KIT days, these are keeping in touch days where you get to go back to work for 10 days during your maternity leave. I work in retail and thought going back to help sort summer sale would be good for me, and it was! I have a really great bunch of girls who I work with who are super nice and I am pleased to call them friends, it makes the thought of going back a little easier and I know as soon as I am back with them I will feel fine.
But its not just anxiety over the social aspect, before I had Charlie I did a lot of overtime which we relied on every month to pay our bills. Now going back taking that overtime is going to be much harder with childcare for Charles and that worries me, by going back and doing my normal hours we will be losing 200 a month and that is a hell of a lot for us. I know in time I will need to get another job but right now I just cant. I am glad that I can go back and ease myself back in to the working world, gain confidence again and work on my anxiety so that soon I can find a better paid job where we won't have to worry so much about money.

We are really lucky that at the moment we are able to rely on our family to help with childcare which makes things a lot easier, but having someone else look after Charlie for a period of the day isn't easy. I worry that his routine wont be kept and that he will find it unsettling. I know I am over worrying, and that its normal to feel this way, but it doesn't stop me worrying none the less.

I look forward to being back at work, to have some time for myself where I can do something other than cooking tea or changing nappies, I look forward to a routine in our lives, I look forward to getting dressed up for something. But at the moment I am just anxious. I will keep you all update on how going back to work goes, how I manage to cope with my anxiety and how Charlie does with his childcare.

Wish me luck, love Ellie.
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